yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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