Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Randomize
