if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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