I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
not ubering you a puppy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
