Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
