Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
