my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
