they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
