sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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