John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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