Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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