Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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