I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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