I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
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You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
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I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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