I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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