oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
