why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize