I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
