Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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