I am puke
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
