Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
where are my eyebrows?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
