My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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