I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
