Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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