Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
