Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
