I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
