My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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