remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
