I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
