Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
