When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
