to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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