i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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