So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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