i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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