I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
