I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
