the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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