My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize