The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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