I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
