man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I got her a Nickelback box set.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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