What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
