You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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