I'm so fucking centered right now
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
