my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
