Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's never too late to be topless.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
