My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
