That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
