I cannot find my penis.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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