Cold hands, warm shart.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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