I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
