Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
