dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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