Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back