Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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